The Art of Doing Less in Motherhood: Finding Peace by Releasing Control
When "Doing It All" Is a Form of Self-Regulation
I get it. Once you have a baby or kid in the house, it feels like responsibilities multiply by the day.
I hear clients and mothers across the board struggling to understand how the mental load got so heavy and wanting extra support. You deserve more—parenting is a team sport when there are two parents, and assertiveness about your needs is vital.
However, in my practice, I often see that this sense of urgency and over-functioning is not a conscious choice to hoard tasks. It’s an anxious, protective response—a deeply ingrained, subconscious effort to avoid the discomfort of things being messy, incomplete, or out of control. It’s a way to feel productive, competent, or simply put together in the face of chaos.
For the high-achieving, people-pleasing mother, doing less in motherhood feels scary, irresponsible, or even like a profound personal failure. This pattern of immediate action often stems from a predictive loop in your nervous system.
You aren't intentionally preventing effective teamwork; you are unintentionally seeking regulation. Tidy house → calm mind. Clean dishes → sense of competence. This pattern can be rooted in old family patterns, or more often, the relentless societal narrative that a "good mom" handles everything seamlessly. This is the societal bullshit whispering that your worth is tied to your productivity.
The Anxious Impulse to Fix and Fold
When I say "do less," it's about recognizing that the laundry might not need to be folded immediately, the dishes can stay in the sink for the night, or the house can be a little unorganized.
You might read that sentence and already be feeling a little on edge. If that's the case, I want you to pause, take a breath, and notice what’s happening in your body. What kind of thoughts, feelings, or sensations are you having?
Is there a tightness in your chest? A voice saying, "I can't possibly leave that"? A rush of anxiety about what someone might think?
This intense reaction to just a few words on a screen shows you how deeply this pattern of seeking control through action is wired.
This is your predictive loop in action: When the tasks are done, I can avoid the unpleasant feeling of anxiety or judgment.
The Radical Act of Letting It Be
The core of the art of doing less is not about chore wars; it is about decoupling your sense of self-worth from your productivity. It is about validating that you deserve to slow down, simply because you are human, not just because you need help from a partner.
For a moment, I want you to imagine what would happen if you just sat with the unpleasant feeling. What if that discomfort could be okay? What if you could be with it and trust that not doing the thing, at least right away, could be good enough?
When you feel that familiar surge of urgency—the impulse to jump up and "just do it"—try this intentional approach, which borrows from mindfulness and parts-work concepts:
Acknowledge the Part: Notice the internal "Part" of you that feels compelled to act immediately. You can give it a name, like your Achiever Part or your Tidiness Manager or ask if it has a name. Silently say, "I see you. I know you're trying to protect me from feeling anxious/judged/messy."
Validate the Fear: This Part genuinely believes that if it stops, chaos will ensue. Thank it for its dedication. "I know this is scary, I get it, I feel it. I can hold that feeling with you."
Choose to Release Control: Take a conscious, slow breath and mentally step back from the task. Say, "I am choosing for this to be okay right now. This is a strategic pause."
A Back-Up Plan: If the discomfort is too intense and you feel yourself spiraling, you have permission to go back to the task and complete it. When you finish, check in with yourself: "I received the messaging that it felt like too much this time. I want to understand this and support you in doing less next time."
The idea ongoing is to recognize that this list of never-ending things is just that—a list. It will eventually get done. And when you choose to simplify motherhood by checking in and letting go, you create two crucial things:
Slowing Down for You: You take a vital step toward therapy for mom burnout and self-care for overwhelmed moms. By choosing to tolerate the mess for a few hours, you are signaling to your nervous system that you are safe even if everything isn't perfect. This is how you stop over-functioning as a mom.
The Opportunity for Partnership: When you choose to release control in parenting for your own well-being, you naturally create an open space (the literal pile of laundry or dirty dishes). And this open space is a natural opportunity for your partner to notice and step in, fostering a truly shared mental load. While the primary benefit is your peace, the benefit to your partnership is a valuable secondary reward.
Doing less is a strategic move that helps you reclaim your time and energy. It is not irresponsible; it is the most effective way to strengthen your mental health, challenge outdated norms, and build a resilient sense of self-worth that is independent of how tidy your kitchen is.
If you’re a high-achieving woman in the Atlanta, GA area or seeking online therapy for women in Florida and are ready to stop over-functioning and simplify motherhood, let's talk about how to achieve peace through strategic delegation and self-compassion.