The Armor We Wear: Understanding Our High-Achieving and People-Pleasing Parts

Have you ever found yourself nodding along to this scenario? Maybe you breezed through high school or college as the straight-A student, perhaps even the one who barely needed to crack a book for exams. You’ve always worked hard, and eventually, things just seemed to click. Your standards for success are sky-high, and you're used to hitting them. Then you landed your dream job, excelling, earning those promotions, sometimes by putting in extra hours, even during "vacation" or late at night. You've done it, and yet, sometimes you feel this weird stuckness, wondering, "What's next? Where's the next success?"

And then, motherhood hit. Woof. This has been hard. All of a sudden, that success you've always figured out how to find feels significantly harder. Because this baby or kid just won't stop crying, no matter what you do. The direct correlation from effort to a successful outcome isn't there anymore. Suddenly, you're more anxious, because this part of you—your high-achieving part's perfect equation for that "good job" feeling—is missing.

Or perhaps, maybe in high school or college, you played soccer, and every other sport imaginable, even though you didn't really like sports. Some other people in your family did, and you just couldn't bring yourself to say no. Playing sports was an easy way to bond, after all. And when you wanted to quit, you didn't, because then you might have disappointed that family member who loves sports, or worse, been branded a "quitter"—and eek, that’s definitely not successful. This is your people-pleasing part with a little bit of your high-achieving part at play.

And now, as you've started to get the hang of this parenting thing, you've found it incredibly hard to ask for help. It's tough to move away from the expectation that you're "the mom"—which often means you're supposed to know how to do everything or take care of everything on your own. When you want or need space, you don't want to disappoint your child by taking it, or burden your hardworking partner by asking for help with something you feel you should be able to do yourself. You want help and space, but the worry about asking for too much or impacting someone's feelings is too much of an ouch.

These scenes may feel familiar, or perhaps there are other stories or memories that elicit similar themes for you. What I can say is that in the lives of many moms and women (myself included), these two companions often emerge. Sometimes they arrive as a dynamic duo, a relentless tag team. Other times, they operate more independently, yet their underlying purpose is strikingly similar.

So, what are these parts? Think of them as a protective layer, a kind of armor we've developed to navigate the world. They both serve a crucial function: to help us meet fundamental human needs.

The High-Achieving Part: Chasing Validation Through Success

Our high-achieving parts have learned a powerful lesson: productivity and success often lead to desired outcomes. The attention, validation, and reassurance that come with accomplishments can feel like the necessary ingredients for connection, perhaps even love. For many, this part may believe that by consistently achieving, it secures a place where we feel valued and seen. It's the voice that pushes us to take on more, do better, and strive for excellence, often driven by the hope of external affirmation.

The People-Pleasing Part: Seeking Connection Through Caretaking

Similarly, our people-pleasing parts have discovered that when we prioritize others' needs and desires, we often receive the attention, validation, and connection we crave. This part likely thrives on anticipating what others want, going out of our way to accommodate, and presenting ourselves in a way that ensures harmony and approval. It's the impulse to say "yes" when we want to say "no," to put others' comfort before our own, all in the service of feeling needed and appreciated.

What's "Bad" About These Parts? (Spoiler: Nothing!)

Let's be clear: there's absolutely nothing inherently bad about these parts. In fact, they've shown up in countless ways to help you feel loved, connected, and secure. Their intention is truly admirable. They've been resourceful in finding ways to ensure you get your needs met, even if it meant developing specific strategies.

However, while their intention has always been noble, as we get older and our lives require more flexibility, their methods can sometimes lead to an unintended cost. These parts often feel the need to show up in these specific, conditioned ways to earn connection and love. And that's where the challenge lies.

The Unintended Cost: Sacrificing Our Authentic Selves

Often, the relentless pursuit of achievement or the constant bending to others' wills comes at the expense of what we genuinely want and need. This can look like:

• A lack of rest: The high-achiever struggles to slow down, convinced that downtime equals unproductivity.

• Blurred boundaries: The people-pleaser finds it nearly impossible to say "no," fearing disapproval or disconnection.

• Limited space for self: Both parts can leave little room for introspection, personal desires, or simply being.

• A diminished sense of authenticity: When we constantly strive to be what others expect, we can lose touch with who we truly are.

Ultimately, these patterns can hinder us from experiencing love and connection that is unconditional—love based on who we are, just because, not based on a performance or a perceived obligation. It's a fundamental truth that while what other people want and need matters, what you want and need matters just as much.

So, going back to the idea that these parts have shown up for you, for many of us—maybe for a short time, maybe for a long while—as we've gotten older and perhaps become moms, these parts still want to be helpful. And yet, we want to make it possible for them to take a break, for you to be able to step in and take over. We want to create space where what you're doing is good enough, where how you're showing up comes with ease as opposed to significant effort.

You may already be at the point where you're keenly aware these parts of you exist. You might be thinking, "Okay, I want to stop people-pleasing and high-achieving; I just want to be where I'm at." And yet, these parts are still there, not just fading away.

This is where we can lean into the idea that right now, two things can be true: you want to rest more or set more boundaries, and there are parts of you—like the high-achiever that doesn't like the idea of not achieving, and the people-pleaser that's scared to disappoint others.

Now that you've noticed and maybe even connected with these parts of you, see what it's like to simply be with them. Especially if there's some discomfort, you can start with a gentle acknowledgment:

• "I see you."

• "Thank you for showing up."

• "I get that you’re trying to help me in some way."

You might also say:

• "I imagine you’re here for a good reason."

• "You might be trying to keep me safe, or help me feel okay."

• "That makes sense."

This kind of internal dialogue is often a key step in understanding and gently shifting these patterns. If you're finding yourself recognizing these parts and feeling ready to explore how to create more ease, boundaries, and authenticity in your life, working with a therapist specializing in these areas can provide invaluable guidance and support. This is the kind of work I do with my clients. Reach out for a consultation today.